Excerpts of intuitive openings to the search for my Authentic Self.

I believe that during this oppresive PMS timing that of course your inner demons and repressed feelings surge forth to scare the living daylights out of yourself and the ones you share life with - your family, friends. It's almost like having Turret Syndrome. Episodes where in a normal conversation you would shockingly burst forth with loud burps of angry words and abnormal offerings of speech. Then continue the conversation like nothing happened. That is how I have felt lately. Especially in the last couple of days. Enamoured courtiers converse upon everyday things and then "burp". What happened? You did not notice, but they did and the conversation is paused to figure out what transpired? The hurt and anger that sits at the surface is broken with only the continuation of conversation of myself. Not really stopping and being the the moment. Most, I gather, let it go, but have it sit inside them for some time, affecting the relationship/friendship. Not this one lad who I consider a good friend and my "flirty" man, R.

He was one who stopped and actually told me what I said had effected a negative emotion out of him. I myself stopped. and realized my truest horrors surfacing. I believe it to be my deepest repressed anger from different situations that have occurred in my life. Coming up at the most inopportune times. Can I blame it on the inner devil who loves to just throw around these quips that keep me barriered between good friendships and bad? All I can say is that I believe it has affected quite a few relationships. Most in the sense of being able to find a nice guy for me. Did I ever know? I think a few times my girlfriends just put up with it, and I naively go on my day. Repurcussions accumulate and in time these outbursts only hurt others more and you don't understand until sometimes its too late.

What is it? True repressed anger and trust issues that through generations in our family we've all drawn them out, most noticeably for me just recently again. For my lessons in life. Wooooo, here we go again. I think it's kind a funny how my "mirror" self is always being shown. All this is a resurfacing of things that need to be dealt with. So it can stop preventing me from living a happy life. Besides me noticing considerably that my family is displaying all this behaviour is only again to show me that it is quite prevalent around me. LEARN these lesons so you can LIVE LIFE!

Today: signs and coincidences
- went for coffee to get out of house and actually have lunch since I have not gone grocery shopping in awhile. This T-shirt spoke loudly to me. (OK, first off, have you seen proverbs on t-shirts? This was a first for me!! A sign) It said:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not in your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him and He shall set your path straight. Proverbs 3-5-6
Yes, I did write down what was printed. Too profound not to.

- feeling beat from juggling life and bills.
- Intuition says to pull the book off my shelf: Something More: Excavating your Authentic Self.

Thought my situation and opened book. Can't remember the exact chapters but each spoke to me of the differing things I am challenged with right now.
1. About Love, how the best love can treat you the worst. Your choice to stay with it or break free.
2. pg 94 Being in a relationship that you started with utter happiness. You-a successful woman with so much done and more to do. Becoming part of the relationship with a man that does not have much and through love you contribute to HIS work and neglect your own - for the sake of love, your husband. In the end, you feel self-pity and anger for having put everyone else's needs ahead of your one true dream: to change the world through your contributions. In the end this woman said sorry to the public who expected more wondrous work from her. In reality, the public said thanks for changing their own lives.
3. pg 90 Lesson here: Spirit begins to starve when she was forced to draw comfort from half-truths rather than from genuine emotional nourishment. Between the lines of her own pain, she speaks volumes about the way we women learn to subsist on the random crumbs of affection haphazardly tossed our way - all the time deluding ourselves into thinking that everything is as it should be. We're happy, really happy, aren't we? Shouldn't we be?


ahh SOUL LESSONS
Page 194 excerpts:
"Becoming a libertine - she who puts her own needs first - is Darwanian in nature. It's an evolutionary process - slow and steady growth gives one hope, if not a game plan. Get through your major soul lessons and you'll get a few free periods for extra-curricular activities. Keep in mind we're really not going to remember much of this life in the next go round, so why don't we have some fun? The authentic spiritual path is not meant to be sackcloth and ashes. Ecstacy is the hallmark of the mystical experience. Joy awakens the soul and convinces the mind beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is Something More - the existence of another way of living.

"Ecstacy is what everyone craves - not love or sex, but a hot-blooded, soaring intensity, in which being alive is a joy and a thrill." Diane Ackerman tells us. "that ravishment doesn't give meaning to life, and yet without it life seems meaningless."

So where am I with all this? I am not perfect and my friend, R says not to be kicking myself so much over this and not to conform to what I think I should in order to please the other is sacriligous! by being just me and being ok with it is sexy! Ohhh yeah!! thanks, my friend.

So time to have some fun!! See ya later