Excerpts of intuitive openings to the search for my Authentic Self.

I believe that during this oppresive PMS timing that of course your inner demons and repressed feelings surge forth to scare the living daylights out of yourself and the ones you share life with - your family, friends. It's almost like having Turret Syndrome. Episodes where in a normal conversation you would shockingly burst forth with loud burps of angry words and abnormal offerings of speech. Then continue the conversation like nothing happened. That is how I have felt lately. Especially in the last couple of days. Enamoured courtiers converse upon everyday things and then "burp". What happened? You did not notice, but they did and the conversation is paused to figure out what transpired? The hurt and anger that sits at the surface is broken with only the continuation of conversation of myself. Not really stopping and being the the moment. Most, I gather, let it go, but have it sit inside them for some time, affecting the relationship/friendship. Not this one lad who I consider a good friend and my "flirty" man, R.

He was one who stopped and actually told me what I said had effected a negative emotion out of him. I myself stopped. and realized my truest horrors surfacing. I believe it to be my deepest repressed anger from different situations that have occurred in my life. Coming up at the most inopportune times. Can I blame it on the inner devil who loves to just throw around these quips that keep me barriered between good friendships and bad? All I can say is that I believe it has affected quite a few relationships. Most in the sense of being able to find a nice guy for me. Did I ever know? I think a few times my girlfriends just put up with it, and I naively go on my day. Repurcussions accumulate and in time these outbursts only hurt others more and you don't understand until sometimes its too late.

What is it? True repressed anger and trust issues that through generations in our family we've all drawn them out, most noticeably for me just recently again. For my lessons in life. Wooooo, here we go again. I think it's kind a funny how my "mirror" self is always being shown. All this is a resurfacing of things that need to be dealt with. So it can stop preventing me from living a happy life. Besides me noticing considerably that my family is displaying all this behaviour is only again to show me that it is quite prevalent around me. LEARN these lesons so you can LIVE LIFE!

Today: signs and coincidences
- went for coffee to get out of house and actually have lunch since I have not gone grocery shopping in awhile. This T-shirt spoke loudly to me. (OK, first off, have you seen proverbs on t-shirts? This was a first for me!! A sign) It said:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not in your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him and He shall set your path straight. Proverbs 3-5-6
Yes, I did write down what was printed. Too profound not to.

- feeling beat from juggling life and bills.
- Intuition says to pull the book off my shelf: Something More: Excavating your Authentic Self.

Thought my situation and opened book. Can't remember the exact chapters but each spoke to me of the differing things I am challenged with right now.
1. About Love, how the best love can treat you the worst. Your choice to stay with it or break free.
2. pg 94 Being in a relationship that you started with utter happiness. You-a successful woman with so much done and more to do. Becoming part of the relationship with a man that does not have much and through love you contribute to HIS work and neglect your own - for the sake of love, your husband. In the end, you feel self-pity and anger for having put everyone else's needs ahead of your one true dream: to change the world through your contributions. In the end this woman said sorry to the public who expected more wondrous work from her. In reality, the public said thanks for changing their own lives.
3. pg 90 Lesson here: Spirit begins to starve when she was forced to draw comfort from half-truths rather than from genuine emotional nourishment. Between the lines of her own pain, she speaks volumes about the way we women learn to subsist on the random crumbs of affection haphazardly tossed our way - all the time deluding ourselves into thinking that everything is as it should be. We're happy, really happy, aren't we? Shouldn't we be?


ahh SOUL LESSONS
Page 194 excerpts:
"Becoming a libertine - she who puts her own needs first - is Darwanian in nature. It's an evolutionary process - slow and steady growth gives one hope, if not a game plan. Get through your major soul lessons and you'll get a few free periods for extra-curricular activities. Keep in mind we're really not going to remember much of this life in the next go round, so why don't we have some fun? The authentic spiritual path is not meant to be sackcloth and ashes. Ecstacy is the hallmark of the mystical experience. Joy awakens the soul and convinces the mind beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is Something More - the existence of another way of living.

"Ecstacy is what everyone craves - not love or sex, but a hot-blooded, soaring intensity, in which being alive is a joy and a thrill." Diane Ackerman tells us. "that ravishment doesn't give meaning to life, and yet without it life seems meaningless."

So where am I with all this? I am not perfect and my friend, R says not to be kicking myself so much over this and not to conform to what I think I should in order to please the other is sacriligous! by being just me and being ok with it is sexy! Ohhh yeah!! thanks, my friend.

So time to have some fun!! See ya later

Life is not bad! Many things have transpired as I progress on my spiritual quest to rediscover myself. A quest that has produced the largest fears and the largest love that culminated from it. Many paths to enlightenment, but only one path to the heart and core of it. Through our own efforts and pursuit does this happen. It's very enlightening to know the many things I have picked up along the way and one of the greatest things I must thank Joshua for is playing the role he had to so my soul can be released to do the work I need to to get to my goal. That which is to be all encompassing in my passions and work to be more enlightened and my present writings to assist the many lost souls who have gone through what I just did. Through the last litle while I have my writings and poetry into greeting cards that I will put out there. You must see it, Cindy. Very enlightening. I hope to get the catalogue page put together and would love to share that with you. It is very enlightening and am humbled to have had the insight to put it to use, all with the Universe's help, of course.

in essence, all this learning is enabling me to see the many things we as women go through - you, Vickie, myself, my friends. A lot of this we already know - it's a matter of remember ing who we were that is the problem. I called Vickie the other day and she is in need of quiet time. I can relate! As the last time I talked with her, my soul was in need of reassurance and I took quite a bit. A lot of us depend on her and we have taken that, and she needs now the listening to help her through the stuff we let off on her. That is why I am putting together some snippits of stuff (ie. the card line) to assist in daily renewal. As well, I'll have to get her the other computer I have so she can have access to the many resources available. As well, Cindy, there is a huge wealth of things I have read that we may jive with in healing ourselves of this unknown pain we have held onto. There is a reason for it and it is quite profound when you actually release it for good and really dealve into the depths of it. Facing the fear, brings utter craziness...before you can jump into the abyss of unconditional love and peace from that very essence of fear. The book, my friend Kortney( the angel she is, who is going through her own stuff) lent me is called The Journey by Brandon Bays. Do check out the website by doing a google search with the names above. I am trying to learn the many ways we can all transcend above these issues so we can move higher towards enlightenment. Being able to assist others going through the struggles of finding a way past the unknown.
You will be so very enlightened to know that all my work is encompassing the new re-birth of elaineMARK, or shall I say a new outlook on why I am the way I am and the definition of all that is....with my own being.

Am I sounding weird? I think so at times and other times I don't. The all too knowing wise side of me says I need to be this and I can also be the person I am meant to be. The fun loving soul. I repressed this from my last relationship for God knows what reason, but I am getting to the bottom of it. And am me again after a long absence.

E v e r y t h i n g happens for a reason. Find the reason and you will move past the pain and find love...within!! You mention, Cindy, about finding love from another man. There is an excerpt in my book of daily OSHO meditations that speaks of finding it from within before you can find it elsewhere. When we say that many times, many diferent defiintions come from it. We are all ever encompassing as love within ourselves, with that knowledge and love we can then attract that right love that resonates and vibrates at the same level as your own. With love in us, we may attract all sorts! Believe it!! It is upon discerning, do we and only we can choose the one that we hold close to us. For our psychic energy picks everything up! Let soul choose, not the head that has the ears to hear the sweet words from that man. The soul knows more, but we sometimes forget to hear when the external Prince Charming appears to give us the words we want to hear. Please have an affair first! an affair of the heart! an affair of the heart with yourself! Yourself! Yourself first! aaaaaaa. Hence the card line that has come out. Speaks of love...from within. You must see. (I better get that finalized)

I shouldn't be too critical of this line getting out, but at times I need to now...as fear had held me back from pushing further. Doubt and fear can hold us stagnant from believing our own selves in this world. But it is only our illusion to hold in front of us. all an illusion. Our own. It has been exactly 7 days since I wrote it, (Purely reMARkable) and now I am making the finishing touches to make it truly my own. (you can check out the names of the card line in the last posting).

So here it is, my venture forth to put voice back into my life, to put the verve back to where it was. To EMpower oneself by truth, love, faith... to conquer fear & doubt. To EMbrace all that is all encompassing right in the present and step into that fear, the abyss. To EMbark on the new path of All that is GREAT from our own soul. mmmmm sounds luscious. it is.

Today, I sat on the patio of my newly appointed living quarters after having made quick decisions after my breakup. It was a no-brainer. Had to, really, I had no BRAIN at the time. Thank God, that it was at a place I felt comfortable with...with my old roomate B.A. In any case, the sunlight hits the patio brilliantly in the morning, so I have appointed and chosen this time of day to reflect, and write, especially on the weekends. The morning coffee slowly awakens the mind, and I grab the book that called out to me today. A book I bought when I was with Joshua. We always bought books, tons of books, we both collected books. Filled with knowledge. But finding the time to indulge in the vast knowledge was always on the back burner. Being together was a rush and it didn't settle into a good rush as I had wanted it to. The book is Everyday OSHO - 365 meditations for the here and now. As the back of the book says, "...represents the essence of these insights - an understanding that synthesizes a wide range of spiritual and philosophical traditions with the contributions of modern science and psychology." enlightening reading that reminds me about life and all its wonderment.

The first page - 1. illumination
The moment you are illuminated, the whole of existence is illuminated.
If you are dark, then the whole of existence is dark. It all depends on you.

Aaah. the book is all to addictive. I can only imagine the consequences of indulging so much in my own time. Funny how that has changed so much from when I "finished the most recent phase of my life" - Joshua. I call it that now, because it wasn't the person that I want to bring up, but the event itself which molded me and produced who I am today. Joshua was the person who played the role neccessary for my growth. He magnified the love I was so seeking in the begining and then let the role play out for me. I was the one who parlayed that love for me and it all but killed me in the end. It almost did. Hence the role he played in the end, not really knowing why, he did what my soul had asked for - release me. So, when I speak of the most recent phase of my life, I do not put a person there for ackowledgment or blame, but the phase of life that pushed me toward the next inevitable phase of my life - Today. The reason I can write so freely from the heart. The reason i can sit here and dealve into the ever knowing depth of soul of me so I can write, express and have the freedom I feel now to be the love that I am. And to share that with those close to me makes me whole - once again.

Yes, upon realizing I was being "dumped" , I reeled so fast, so quick it was dizzying. My mind, my body went into denial and fear. My heart went into overdrive, pressing my lungs so much so that I was always grasping for that extra gulp of air every few minutes. The fear and pain and hurt pressed into my heart. I instinctively put my hand there for fear that it would burst. Pressing it, hoping that it would just stop beating so hard and fast and pressing my lung, I couldn't breathe. I put my hand there to feel the immensity of it all. For I needed to feel it ALL, before I can truly see it for what it is. So now...there is no blame, no hurt, no pain. I needed to EMbrace these moments and into myself - and really, how scary it was. meditation - I had to go into myself so deep and have the fire inside, so white-hot the flame, to sear through me, increasing my body temperature so quickly and so encompassing, I was sweating in the end. But in the end, in the end after having asked for healing from the pain, I got what I asked for after an intense duration of "feeling" the pain - I got the healing after asking for it and "being" in it, and being part of it all, would I then emerge like the phoenix from the depths of the fire. I am speechless, and am so humbled.

For I can tell you that in this fear of being alone, I had indulged so quickly previously to call upon friends for the love and support I needed. All great I might add - in the beginning. But it was my "escape" to talk through the negativity and questioning of it all. But all it did after while, it became the same story again to my friends and family and no results. How disheartening to someone to hear the same sad victim story of me all over again. To have them feel sorry for me. I was tired of it!!! Much less them!! I needed action for myself!! Although I am now talking about the other day when in fear of having love back in my life, I got scared and fearful of LOVE for it represented to me, being neglected and abandoned, I think, and went into panic. The universe stepped back and let me "go at it" since i needed to do this on my own. (The universe, Source, whatever name It holds for everyone, was of course, stepping back with much trepidation, to have me do it myself. No different than mother with Child wanting to see her child walk after holding them up and guiding them. It was time for me to walk on my own, to experience it, with them watching.) My friends were not available, out of town, doing other things. How prefect, I thought, as now there is no escape, but to revel in this pain I needed to go through on my own to learn this, this fear of "lack" of love. That is what happened. Where now today (only a few days after this revelation and emergence) I can sit here and write about this. And write about this like the re-birth it is. And I know I will have more re-births along the way. Just am humbled by the wholeness of it all.

To know that from within we can have the answers. From within there is exactly the love we are so yearning for, searching for. The paradise we so searh for. Like in the movie, Contact, with Jodie Foster, the chosen astronaut about to propel into space to go to the other planet. Instead, she went into another dimension that illuminated a paradise that included her long passed father. Crashing back to earth after many hours being "away" only to find that everyone else at the space station concluded that it was only minutes that the space shuttle was in turmoil remaining on the ground and not going anywhere. The video attached to her was played back and showed unaccountable hours of White noise. How, when she was only in "limbo" for a few minutes? How can her experiences be explained? Modern society discrediting her story and going against all aspects of what modern science can prove. But what modern science can prove and what we as a Spiritual Beings here on earth can experience on higher levels of consciousness, only goes to prove that modern science cannot prove every thing and we will continually search to prove the things we do not know....or do we already know? Is it just from within? I believe so. hmmmm

Everything that i have read and immersed in, no matter how wild and crazy - all talk about Compassion, the everencompassing emotion that will lead the earth into immense healing and ascend into an enlightened existence. So, there is a reason why we are here??!! Cool. Why Love is so prevalent to learn about, to share with others, to learn the love that is from within and in All and not have to search elsewhere for that love we all so desire.


My readings have been diverse in the last little while and include:
www.akashicinsights.com I came across this by "conicidence". haha nothing is just a coincidence. This is another story.

www.niburiancouncil.com - great articles on everything about healing ourselves from pain and other things to bring about ascension, to being from another planet!!!


the books:
The Journey by Brandon Bays
The Unmistakable Touch of Grace by Cheryl Richardson

the radio station for the soul - www.hayhouseradio.com

But they all talk about the same thing. Discernment. what a great way to discover our own truths. Everyone has THEIR truths they want to share, but it is in finding the commonalities that bring discernment and our own voice then to believe and entrust.

another reMARKable day!!

LIFE LIFE reMARKable
simply, truly, purely, uniquely

grab a miniMARK and MARK your daily path
in reading, journalling, scheduling, creating

for it is in us...
to EMbrace, EMbark and EMpower....our own lives.

elaineMARK
signing out

OK now I have to get out and experience life, not just sit here and read and learn about it. Experiences good and bad are very good for our evolving. involving, evolving, revolving life. cool.

wow, well, they say that you shall start new things and new projects on the most likeliest of days as the New Moon. Presenting itself to be a powerful magnetic source within the universe. It is today, unlike any other day, that I sit at my laptop and contemplate the day that has completed itself. I actually start the day like this too. Different things, different times. The review of my life in the last 60 days presents profoundness that can only be explained through the vastness of the unknowns in life. How can I say - !@#$%^& weird?!!! It has now been truly....78 days. My God, where do I even start? This eblogging to say the least puts me out there so much it's scary. My journal has been my journal for my reading and not for everyone else to experience and feel. Although I am being propelled to reach out now because of my newfound relationship with myself that I am to share. How can I say all these things and allow myself the humility and vulnerability it presents to my very core of myself? It is scary and sacred at the same time!! These very words...a part of a new line of cards that "presented" itself after discovering the very words to define what the Universe had already placed in front of me. See, I get these names and words and messages that don't make sense until the right time comes. What I am talking about is the names of the card lines that I am supposed to make happen. The names were all in place last year, but there really wan't anything to put in their place, their definition, their sanctity on this earth.....until now. These names are a huge profoundness that came to be...Because for some reason that is the "feeling" I get. Alrighty, you want to know the names.

Well, first off, my name is elaine MARK. Howyadoin'? My business is eclipse wireworks. My tradeMARK is my WORKS of HEART - these 1" heart minimark/paperclips I invented in 1999 before the Asian market took it and flew with it. (more on that later, when I can figure out how to add html links) I am still proud to say that I believe that there is no copying works of heart, for they exude much more than what it is seen for. My miniMARKs are MY babies!! They are mini book marks that were created from my passions of creativity. My passions has been creating jewelry and the other side of me is reading. Tons and tons of reading (well, to say the least unless I am totally distracted with life, it decreases). Well, here it is though. For the last 5 years this passion of mine has overtaken me and keeps going to this day because for some odd reason, my relentless stubbornness of not wanting to work for others has kept me quite challenged. I have gone through wearing the many hats and experienced the pits and downfalls and highs and ecstatcy that all entrepreneurs go through. I probably have yet to experience oh so much more. How exciting!! Yeah! Don't get disillusioned with the fantasy of it all. There is more work involved, but when you throw the passion in there, there is nothing quite like it!! It's shown me who I am and makes me learn really...about me in the end. Whether I like it or not, this is a part of me that makes me earn my MARK in the world. By the way, if you haven't noticed...I have and will continue to "extort" my name for the purposes of the higher good and in what I do. Yeah, that's right I should get to that - what I do.

I am a designer of sorts - creating, designing and producing original wire handsculpted objets of desire. miniMARKs, bookMARKs, magnetMARKs, placecardMARKers, and a new line of greeting cards that exemplify my new path in life. Well, it isn't new. It's newly honed to bring the names its course in life. They (the line of cards) have been with me for some time, but everything just pulled together as of the last ...76 days! The card line - LIVE LIFE reMARKable cards - simply, truly, purely & uniquely. Simply - simple words, simple meanings, simple abundance; Truly - trueness invokes and emits a powerful metamorphosis in life; Purely - spiritual abundance comes from universal and unconditional love; Uniquely - being reMARKable means being unique in all ways - making it yours with cards that have YOUR EMpowering and unique mantra in life. The whole card line all have a reMARKable miniMARK on them. The use of a miniMARK has much more in it because of the cause. I believe that knowledge is power, that reading is important to gain that, that journaling is important to our understanding of ourselves and our growth, and that having a daytimer is important to scheduling our lives to reflect that growth we are to gain. In essence, use a miniMARK to MARK your path in life - reading, journaling, scheduling, and creating. Creating being the essence of our spirit, as creativity begs to be emitted within ourselves, it's what makes us the more balanced person that we should be. (wow, this is deep!!) they are just wire things for g-dsakes! :-0 :-)

What can I say? I am presently at a loss for words because there is so much to tell and so much to share that it all begs to be written. I found that writing has been part of my next "calling" per so. For now I see that card lines and I see this eblogging (today) as being the next step. There is a book that I am presently writing. (really, elaine, where is it?) It's been in the back of my mind. Remember what I said about "knowing" the names of things to come, but have yet to distinguish exactly what they hold for me? Well, this is one of them. That name of the book I have in my head and will encompass my culture, my gender in this culture and its history, it'll include my geneology, my life being born here in Canada and it's myriad of growth spurts as a Chinese Canadian can only encounter in Saskatchewan (yep, you got that right - good old potash industry city of Saskatoon). The book will also contain exerpts from family members, recipes of old that were brought here from Asia and modified for us, wow what else, because you know, this is going to either haunt me later down the road or make me proud - this display of utter confidence in writing this so-called book. Yes, I hear my Uncle Rocky above saying "yes" it is what I need to do. OK OK. Later, though.

Oh, hey, yeah! You're asking what happened in the last 76 days?? My boyfriend broke up with me. Please say it was because of that big zit I had on my ass for the longest time. ugh, no. All I can say is that, truly, it was meant to happen. I truly, believe that. Wow, truths can bring out such authentication of self! You will find that I will speak more about my spirituality as it happens that my growth spurt in this area is only spurted from moments like what has happened and propels me to venture forth with utter disbelief and fear to find out more about myself and what I am made of and why love doesn't work for me like it does for most of my girlfriends, parents and grandparents.

What I have discovered about myself and my spirituality over the last 36 years of my life is that how profound, scary and exciting it all is in a single breath! Maybe this is where I start writing my book. Wait, if I did that then you won't buy the book when it comes out!! Oh gee. Wait, you will because all the family recipes will be in there!! alright, that is totally worth it!! Where was I? Spiritual growth in the most opportune times!! Most opportune time? Really, when is it a good time? When is it a good time to have bad things happen to good people? It just comes, because there is much to learn my little one. My spiritual guides have been with me since I was born. I don't think I discovered them until I was about 19. Freaked out of my chair as i was channelled information to soothe my disillusioned soul - sitting at the typewriter at my dad's office. I was going through a bout of depression not knowing who I was and what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I sat at the typewriter, not knowing for whatever reason why I was just there. These feelings overwhelmed me and I started to just typing out the "thoughts" that were coming to me. Can you say major freaky to actually type and see what it is that exactly comes out from your thought waves and have it written to you as if "they" were speaking to you? Yeah!! Scary!! My guides spoke of me not worrying for there held great promise in my future and that where I was right nowm, in that space of time, that I was alright and things would occur that would and could scare me, exhilirate me, freak me out (like then) and push me towards where I needed to go. After typing that letter out to myself - I sat there dumbfounded and scared, fearful that "ghosts" were around me. Yeeee. I looked around as if to see someone there, not wanting to, but just - not knowing. I put that letter into my daytimer and kept it there for some time. I wish I had it now with me to prove to myself that that event occurred. But I know it probably by heart. I may not remember the words, but I do remember the feeling from it - besides the initial freakiness, the peace and serenity it provided me in my time of unknowns shaping itself. Now, thinking upon those times, they were not the first times that I felt a peaceful presence around me. They were there, what I recall, when I was being my creative self at the age of 3 or 4 playing around with paper and pens and scissors and shapes and all kinds of creative tools (why i am doing what i do now) that parlayed a little girl to abandon all aspects of playing outside with her siblings and relish the wonderment placed in front of me. I can truly say that my parents were very happy with this "instant babysitting aspect". I remember the cookies and milk Mom would bring in for me after hours of paper exploration. The amazed smile and tenderness for the mind of a young one to indulge so fastidiously to what was placed in front of her. I grew to gift others with my creativity and will always remember the comments of the recipients who received these. That the heart that went into making these were to be kept with them always. Hey, girlfriend, remember all those drawings you kept of mine that you said will make you "millions" one day? Well, I know that it may not bring a million dollars (never say never) but I know in my heart that I hope they bring a million smiles to faces that receive my "works of heart". For that is what I will always recall when I do the work that I do. That is to "Make my MARK"... for others to do that same thing and "make your MARK...unique exceptional enduring". For that is what I do and what I create for the sake of who I am and what encompasses me.

Can I go and shelter myself now, because I am feeling so shy right now and afraid to publish even this little eblog? Yikes. I have a lot to go if I want to disclose all about me when I write that book. I feel I have so much strength and yet at the same time I can feel so tiny in this big universe. I do know though - that one voice, one person, one vision - can make the vast universe vibrate with you. And with that knowledge, I feel a huge responsibility to not feel afraid of judgement, criticism and/or what other people think of me or what I do. I feel that I serve the greater good by being reMARKable...for that changes the world. So...for all life has to offer, be the change you want to see in the world...make your MARK!! yep, that's my tiny voice with the strength and will to see my little company, with it's big vision ...make it's MARK. OK, this makes life exciting!! Join in and tell me how you are making your MARK in the world!!

elaineMARk signing out for now!! I think. Yeah, tomorrow is another day and more writing.


my name, my initials, my use and extortion of it!! elaineMARK = EM
EMbrace - the you, the gift you have been given. Your body, your mind, your spirit. Wherever you are in this life, right now!!
EMbark - on the things that make you passionate about LIFE. Your list of goals adn deisres that encompass your heart. In there, always remember how it can also help the fellow man.
EMpower - now go do it!! There is nothing to hold you back, except yourself. Dare to be reMARKable. You will amaze yourself!! And while you're at it - you will amaze and impact other's lives! How reMARKable you are!!
It's all about you!! Make the difference...Make your MARK unique exceptional enduring